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Since You Asked

Since You Asked
Kissing
 
Q Well, I have this booklet called "an examination of conscience" and there are three conditions for a mortal sin as we all know: 1.serious matter. 2. knowledge or firm belief that the act is seriously wrong prior to committing the act. 3. full consent of the will. Then listed are that kissing or touching another passionately for the purpose of arousal and allowing another to kiss or touch you in a sexual matter are both consider mortal sins. You've said that If kissing is a sign of friendship and care for another person, then it is innocent, healthy and holy. If kissing is only the first step in a series of actions that are more lustful than chaste, then kissing has the potential to lead to deeper and inappropriate forms of pre-marital sexual activity. Then it is dangerous and possibly sinful. I've told my boyfriend that I want to wait until marriage. We have kissed and I don't quite know how to discern between the love and affection and to when it turns to sexual kissing, because kissing expresses love, but at the same time it does feel good... so is that wrong? Is french kissing wrong?  If I don't believe that kissing is seriously wrong is it then not a mortal sin? I want to find a balance and I do not want to commit sin. But at the same time, I know that a relationship needs a certain amount of intimacy, both physically and emotionally.
- Carlie
 
A

Dear Carlie, You are a treasure. I hope your boyfriend knows what a treasure he has in you.

I would like to suggest--and I hope I don't sound naive--that you discuss this with your boyfriend and also pray about it with him. Your examination of conscience booklet lists the conditions for mortal or serious sin well. The example is less clear, perhaps because it's difficult to be clear in this matter. Our sexuality is a rather personal thing, our thresholds of arousal differ at different times and with different people. I suspect movie stars appear to be kissing passionately when they're really wondering what's in the refrigerator!

This will be true for you and your boyfriend. That's why you really need to engage him in this discussion. "Waiting" is such a big, long word. You AREN'T waiting to discover tenderness, affection and sexual feelings with him. You ARE observing the Commandments and you ARE respecting the Sacrament of Marriage. It's not just whether you want to "wait." It's that sexual intercourse belongs in marriage--and not outside it.

You might want to read the book, "The Good News About Sex and Marriage," by Christopher West, as a full (maybe more than you actually want to know) about these and related questions.

So--are you sinning?  Will is the first thing to go in these sexual situations, let me tell you. It can turn to jelly. To keep your will firm in the midst of passion is quite an achievement. So, when your will turns weak, it's time to quit kissing. I'm serious! Remain in dialogue with your boyfriend and your relationship will be enriched by conversations on this very subject.

 
- Carol Ann