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No one is worthy of so great a gift, dear--including the saints and the pope! That's why we pray together, "O Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word..." before communion. You need to find a compassionate confessor who will help you through what is called "scrupulosity." You are harder on yourself than God would ever be! Easy for me to say, "Stop it!" But I'm sure it's hard for you.
You are forgiven by God before you even go to Confession, but the Sacrament of Penance offers you special grace for getting through the temptation to think you can be perfect. (You are probably closer than many, because you ARE so scrupulous!)
I've often heard it said that the Church is not a party for saints, but a hospital for sinners. We are in this together--and I need you to believe that God loves you, just as you need me to believe in God's love for ALL of us, sinners, saints and in-between!
One thing about mortal sin is this: Unless you're some movie-type villain of James Bond proportions, you'd KNOW with great precision if you'd committed mortal sin. Mortal sin isn't done in careless haste. One of its qualities is deliberation and purposeful hatefulness. That isn't what you're describing.
Rush with joy to the Eucharist. It is the banquet for us sinners. It makes us welcome. It makes us strong. It makes us ready to do good--not evil. God makes you worthy. |